When you're in darkness

As your friend, because I Love you, I refuse to simply leave you sitting in a dark room alone when there is so much light to be enjoyed. 

As long as you leave your door unlocked I will continue to knock, come in, turn the lights on and welcome you to come out where you can enjoy the sun. I will keep opening your curtains to let the light in unless you deny me access to your windows. I will return to try again if your room becomes dark from your shutting out the light I brought and bear endless invitations for you to join the bright loving world outside. I will keep coming to you. I will always pray that you will turn your back on the darkness today to have happiness fill your heart as you step into the light and face any fears of seeing what's there. For I truly believe once we see the truth and can honestly face the doubts we harbor with faith then such painful deterrents will fade away with the darkness we leave behind. 

I will always bring you light my friend, because I Love you, but I will never sit in the dark with you. I refuse to let myself rot away scared to see the light of today and oh how I pray you will do the same with me. Together, as a team we can make this thing called life all we've dreamed that it might be able to be. Please extend you had to me, I'm here to hold you every step of the way until you are ready to dance and sing and play in the reality of your dreams. 

If you lock the door on me there may be little more I can do to reach you though, so I ask to at least leave the handle for me to turn even when you think you want to just be alone. 

Knock, knock, may I come in, is anybody home? I Love you my friend, please will you come out? 

This is for you.

Here I am.
Taking my hands away is up to me-
Keeping my focus straight is tough to see-
Holding myself at bay is worth the fee-
Going my own new way is hard to keep-
I am here.
Yet I know as I grow, the more that I go straight and narrow staying clean- sharp as an arrow I'll be... You say, "Take it easy on yourself, it is normal to have bouts.."
I pray.. It is alright to acknowledge doubts.
Then just as they come I know now I must let them all go- flow out of my of my soul to make room for God's Loving will to take the wheel and do for my life when mine never might no matter how much I feel I can master this deal.
They say, "You can turn your life around, open your mind and astound your senses as you feel what's out of your reach utill you heal.. For now just be patient, listen as we teach, commit and just read."
I cry, bock and rebell. I'm a victim placing blame, denying my insanity still so I'm living in hell.
As soon as I have it , I want it again-
As soon as I taste it, put more to my lips-  
As soon as I get it, I crave one more hit- 
As long as I'm on it, be stuck in this ditch-
Freak out, then reel, let go, just feel, breathe deep, sit still, release the need to nill this peace that frees even the sickest to heal.. Now, please begin to give in to the ideals of so many men and woman who have proven time and again that this disease is for real, yet if we endure the simple steps then there is such a cure that will lift this obsess. 
When my fears take over all I hear and know as true is lowered, at stake, as I sink into blue, I'm scared to say how much I'm ashamed so I try to save face- hide how I became a slave to what I think I must do which then drives me to isolate as I use. I'm so confused. 
Upset that I've come this far away from who I am naturally, born to be; without even having a clue or thinking there was this change I could make to live free of the bed that I made. How could I possibly admit that I've had the key all along- unless I realized it is a self imposed lock that holds me at bay? I've been literally deathly afraid of a sea so forgivingly who diligently keeps calling my name, begging for me to RSVP and embrace the bravery we each have down deep inside to forge the journey that is apparently the purpose for this physical being I call my body and brain.  
Who will accept me like this? I feel naked when stripted, wanting to hide where I've been so I shy from my friends and now I feel all alone all over again.. Help me let you in. 
How do I get support or find Love, when I feel unworthy of all of the above. 
I can really never remember a day without need, or have any idea how to define serenity- or could
imagine you know what I mean. Someone will have to explain what's this thing called community?
Tired of hiding, ready to understand dignity... Completely worn out by lying, wanting to comprehend
integrity..
So finally you see, I'm subsiding who I used to be- abandoning my ego, relinquishing control. 
Give me a place to forgive myself, please? Let me create a space I can be proud of without having to judge what the world might be thinking about what I've done- all this dirt that I've dug- 
I'm asking to receive a safe haven where my laundry can be hung to then be seen somehow as hope to someone who going at it my same..
Please just keep reminding me: All that is real is this moment right now! Here, today, is all that I get, this time; this is it! 
Please just keep guiding me: All that counts is the actions I take, the moves that I make, the things that we do are what make me me or shapes you as you!
The past is a wrap. What's passed has already lapsed. I pray for forgiveness. I am grateful I know how to shift my perception to find acceptance of all that's presented and for that I am full of appreciation. 
Reflection gives me a grateful heart, yes, that I no longer need to let my addiction lead me but rather simply let it be a piece of my history that leads me to see the great divinity I am, aligned with heaven on Earth if I choose today to be clean and sober, honest and true.
In this instance, through the power of consciousness, I decide to embrace the importance of keeping my foot on the gas, heading in a prosperous direction- away from the ways that I've used which put breaks on my truths, kept my growth stunted and my conscience feeling abused.. 
It's alright that I have scars. It's okay if I'm beginning to really enjoy the new cast I've picked to be on the stage in my life's play- sincere, with no deception- there's only time left to be honest. 
I know, the choices I make now, the moves I do today, create the road in traveling on, how it will be paved and without doubt my faith is guiding the way to the future I please. 
One step at a time, day by tolerant day, trusting my feet allows me to see the light brighter with each instant I choose to do right by my instincts- stay patient enough to pause when it's better to breathe then act out of insanity. 
Now what though? 
My habits are breaking, the world I've called home for so long is taking a beating, closest relationships are shaking, some even fleeting witnessing the previous me breaking at the seams...
As I change my mind, I change my life- breaking through a self serving childish cocoon to spread my matured wings and take flight as soon as others try to sew me back up with lies.
All I know is I'm here, I've made it this far, so I will hold on tight with all that I've got- fragile as I am I get to choose where I land!
I believe I can and I succeed when I believe in who I am- no matter how crazy I must sometimes look when flipping through the pages I've burned in my book.
I can trust in a program that teaches me I can find who I am at anytime- even with all the credits I've earned on the dark side of life, the principles of my peers here make sure their doors stay open with welcoming arms, understanding hearts and a helping hand at all hours, now or then, regardless how far I've gone or where I've been.. 
As long as I am showing up right now then it's sure I am growing up somehow. 
Furthermore, I pray that my share here of my story, some of my personal experience, exposing glorious triumphs and hideous hang ups, might with God willing be of some service to those still suffering- 
That by hearing I'm here with you, been there, seen that too, turned my back on the truth, lived selfish, lied, denied, acted indescribably cruel, did ugly things I wish I could undo, filled up my days up with shame and then was able to somehow get through by the help of anonymous fellows I found in AA- I'm hoping it will inspire some kind of relief from the tiring grief you might still be burdening- and possibly shine for you a new way to see that you are anything but alone or the only one who knows this feeling of being done, simply wishing you were gone.. 
For we- you and me- are but one in the same once we each take responsibility to vulnerably identify ourselves as addicts recovering by the gracious act of absolutely surrendering. 

(Be Love, be Loved. I Love you, you're Loved.)

12.20.2012: Wow!! --> Ideas WORTH READING :D

"A whole new world is upon us as we count down to December 21, 2012. Yep, Friday is the big day, one that's been shrouded in lore and apocalyptic legends, the day that a 5,125 year cycle of the Mayan calendar ends and another era begins. Since the human will to live is still strong, we choose to believe this is "the end of the world as we know it," not a literal Armageddon. In fact, the Mayans call the post-2012 era The World Of The Fifth Sun or The Fifth World. The previous four worlds brought forth minerals, plants, animals then humans. In the Fifth World, humans will be called upon to reharmonize with nature ,as we stop abusing minerals (gold, silver, fossil fuels), restore our connection with nature (global warming, be warned!) and honor our connection to animals. Indeed, we are largely out of sync with nature, so much so that an extended power outage could take us to our knees. While those wacky survivalists might seem like lunatics, maybe they're onto something. At the very least, it wouldn't be a bad idea to learn the basics like growing our own food or otherwise living off the land, if for no other reason than to honor our connection to the planet. As the world shifts, the call for "oneness consciousness" is also being raised. Many of us have been seeing the numbers 11:11 and 1:11 on clocks, addresses, or in other serendipitous places for years, a calling to elevate the spirit of oneness on the planet. Some believe that the number 11 is associated with lightworkers (http://www.angeltherapy.com/article12.php) and that there has been an increase in people who want to elevate the positive vibes here on Earth as we've approached December 21. During the transition to this new era, we will see a sharper divide between the lightworkers and the people who are still operating according to material greed and self-interest. How we'll navigate the balance is yet to be seen, but with the world's resources dwindling, populations surging, and shifting weather patterns due to global warming, we are going to need to work collectively to keep this planet going! The Mayans were profound record keepers and mathematicians, both astronomers and astrologers. Another occurrence they predicted for December 21, 2012 was that both the Earth and the Sun would align with the Galactic Center-- an event which has not happened for 26,000 years (the time the Ice Age began). The Mayan's precision boggles the mind, but indeed this alignment is occurring. Just as the Sun is the center of our solar system, the Galactic Center is the gravitational field that the entire Milky Way revolves around! So, this alignment of Earth, Sun, and Galactic Center connects us to worlds beyond our own, fiery and mysterious with an indescribable pull. The systems our modern world revolves around may shift as a result of this stellar and enigmatic alignment. Who knows? Perhaps we'll even contact life forms in distant galaxies on this fated day. Also on the 21st, three planets form a "Yod," which is called "the finger of God" or "the finger of fate" by astrologers. The star players in this mystical trio, Pluto in Capricorn and Saturn in Scorpio, will push their energy down towards Jupiter in Gemini. Pluto and Saturn are in a "mutual reception," meaning that they are housed in the signs that the other planet rules: Pluto rules Scorpio and Saturn rules Capricorn. Pluto and Scorpio can be destructive forces, transforming structures so the phoenix can rise from the ashes. Saturn and Capricorn are all about power, authority and control--they keep structures in place and ground us by providing the resources we need. Pluto and Saturn are working in tandem to shift the power on the world stage, but bringing some major disruptions in their wake. Fortunately, Jupiter, which is the focus point of this Yod, is in Gemini--the sign of partnerships, duality, cooperation, and kindred spirits. And Jupiter is the planet of international affairs. Whoa! We may see an incredible shift of power going down this week. Will Beyonce's  words, "Who run the world? Girls!" ring true? Part of the Mayan lore involved the Venus transit this past June 5, when Venus visibly crossed over the Sun, calling forth the divine feminine and awakening women's power. While a balance of masculine and feminine is the way to keep the world in harmony, the warmongering aggression and violent plays for domination are not exactly doing the trick. Women leaders may come forth or stage a peaceful revolution that rocks the world with its loving vibes. (How awesome would THAT be?!)  It's worth noting that in the Yod, Saturn, Pluto and Jupiter will all be at 8 degrees, the number associated with infinity and the balance between the material and spiritual worlds. Yes, from a cosmic perspective this day is major. Join us in visualizing a planet bathed in light and love, as we usher in the Fifth World on Friday. Cosmic Love, Ophira & Tali The AstroTwins"

I felt like this view of today, 12.20.2012, is something worth sharing!  I would Love to hear your thoughts and also suggestions of how to be a positive part of this epic shift as it evolves our way of life  :D

Strange Birds

Hello my conscious community!

I think about sharing my experience all the time however I miss out on opportunities to inspire others due to a perceived lack of time or more honestly a lack of commitment. I justify skipping it, doubting the power of positive impact my words might have on those whom they reach. I’ve decided today that taking the necessary time required to expose the strength I’ve gained from the lessons I’m learning, is a valid consumption of my energy as it may contribute to helping build hope in others.

That being said… This is what’s happening:

Someone I have known for a very long time, who played a big part in my decision to seek out and stick with a lifestyle based in *sobriety, messaged me this morning, "Two days no weed. Going to take it one day at a time- thanks for being so kind- several times you've blown my mind- you're presence is so divine- The Fog is one of a kind- I'm proud to see u shine.."

Surprised that this particular person happened to be reaching out at this point in our relationship, I found myself sharing quite a bit more then I realized I would. Considering how this encounter began, what develops from here resulted in an outcome which was completely unpredicted by me at this point. 

As a response to such text I was compelled to express, "Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with me. The fact that you're willing to be willing is huge. 

Getting support from others who know the feeling of being dependent and addicted to using, really saves me in my moments of weakness as much as it fuels the devoted pledge I’ve made to myself to live in full consciousness. There are narcotics anonymous groups as well however I've found pretty much everyone in AA has had to overcome weed or some other addiction along with alcohol. For that reason, here in AA, I've found a place where I can truly be honest with myself, others and my higher power to evolve and heal my past habits, giving me an opportunity to create the life I most desire while overcoming resentment, fear and shame.  

I've learned that *sobriety is extremely fragile- and must literally be guarded with our lives in order to truly know the authentic animated events we are here to experience. Picking a "birthday" of when your true, conscious, honest self was or is born stands as an extremely motivating factor to stay the course of which you affirmed! So, if you are still going strong when this reaches you then yours would officially be 11.5.12? My advice would be to find the exhilarating power in clearing what blurs your direct connection with source energy, our higher power, your God. I see that “using” mind-altering substances of any kind clogs the path of this divine relationship, which seems to stand as highly essential for one to have a positive experience during our physical life on this planet. 

“Using” is holding us back from our grand design's purpose on this planet. The longer you stick with honest *sobriety, the harder it is to go back, throw away that "birthday" or give up the connection you develop with your HP. Like we learned together a long time ago... Changing your mind is changing your life. By admitting you are powerless over weed and praying to your God to guide you away from it, you can find it easier to focus on that which is serving your well-being instead of giving in to that addicted voice in your head that's just stuck playing the same old self-sabotaging tapes over and over again. When agitated or doubtful, pause and pray- your natural instincts, your higher power, knows the way to your greatest state of fulfillment. Your "God could and would if he were sought.." Believe and you will be relieved. Try thinking about your thoughts as if they are birds.. Whichever birds you feed more are the ones that will hang around longer. See cravings as simply strange birds that fly over head- you would never in your right mind try to capture these birds and hold them captive thinking such an act would serve either of you, so instead all you do is observe their presence and let them fly away. Now as you decide which birds of thought are helpful for your *sobriety and your happiness, you can then put out a feeder or have food ready on hand for the healthy thoughts that fly in, feeding those you wish to keep close. 

"Birds Are Flying Over My Head.." By: Chloe Gauntley

As you continue this behavior these bright, motivating birds will grow in number, until the strange birds of addiction are shunned to the point that they no longer even come around or if they do it’s only stay for a brief appearance before you’re focus is consciously redirected to that which you Love.  One day, one moment, one choice at a time."

After what I considered to be such a thoughtful disclosure I was given the reply of, "Thank you for your time." Really? Okay. I see how so much stimulating information at once could be overwhelming to some, especially in the first stages of honest *sobriety. So when I could have given in to being offended, I dug deeper to find a place of gratitude in heart and said, "Thank you for your recognition." 

I then got a, "Your welcome." Which part of me wanted to find as mocking or self-righteous. However what happened next stopped me in my tracks before I could act out of fear, that I was being unappreciated.

Even though I know it is best to expect only the unexpected, I was letting myself feel defeated from the response I was given. Then literally the very next minute like a stampede of guiding light, 

I received another text from someone else that read, "I believe in the power of words........so here goes.........I hope and pray that every one of your goals and dreams in life come true. I hope that you continue to find your true purpose and that your work inspires people of all walks of life. That your life is looked at as a life to follow after because of what you stand for. May God's hands bring you more joy, love and happiness then you have ever dreamed of......I hope and pray you have a family of your own that gives you a new meaning of life....and I hope that you meet and embrace new friendships that lead you to your calling and let your light shine on this world like you have never imagined .........words are the strongest thing in the universe....I believe in yours...say you receive that.....talk soon.....cheers to that." 

What a difference a moment makes eh?!

As soon as I started to feel agitated and doubtful I was immediately confronted by the wise advise I’ve heard time and time again and in fact had just minutes ago given out myself, that in such instances the next right action to take is to PAUSE. I find such validity in pausing, that by doing so I give myself that extra moment to think, breathe, pray, quickly meditate on how to proceed with Love and grace which pushes me to reconnect with my code of honor instead of reacting out of hast or defense.

I passed this new message on to whom I was originally conversing with and in sharing what I was given I then acquired a texts stating, "That brings joy to my heart, thank you." Along with acknowledgment that I had been a positive influence in the prosperity this person is currently collecting. 

As a result I decided to communicate, "You have a unique gift when it comes to expressing yourself with music. 

A talent that comes so instinctually for you, takes others years of training to parallel. I truly believe that if you become addicted to recording music every time you feel the urge to smoke or drink and you start to record instead of “use” in each of those instances, that within a year you could have at least 1 song on the radio. That between now and your first “birthday” you will be well on your way to having the freedom you desire of traveling any where in the world you'd like, enjoying a comfortable car, your own home, world wide welcome and respect.." No matter how my message is going to be received, this is my truth and I find immense gratitude for the courage I have to let it be known and even greater appreciation for the platform I was presented with to give such recognition without denunciation.

At this point I'm given the gift of validation, "I appreciate your words of wisdom." As I receive such a response simultaneously to the reply I am constructing for the friend who chimed in during my moment of pausing. I told this sweet friend who so openly contacted me out of the blue, "Thank you. Your time, attention, honesty, reflection, drive and expression have touched my heart this morning as a true blessing. My am I feeling aligned. I had just responded to a friend who is attempting sobriety with very detailed feedback and got back what I perceived as a lackluster reply.. One minute later I got this message from you! Thank you for inspiring my patience and challenging me to give all people the tools to create their desired reality while then stepping back to allow space for each to build their own masterpiece. I do believe my life's purpose is to motivate others, inspiring courage in them to live as their truest self and at their highest potential. I am striving, on moment-to-moment bases with each choice I make, to be of service by leading through positive example. I feel honored you're 'seeing' me and allowing me the gift of your reflection to remind me the power my inner light holds and the ability to recognize the positive difference my expressed authenticity makes on this planet. I feel validated by your vulnerable share that I am doing the right thing and must stay the course... Thank you! Ps. I too Love words!" 

I have been saying for some time now that ACTIONS SPEAK THE LOUDEST, so to hear someone put such weight on words is a reminder how words in all reality can stand as a form of action themselves. I have struggled with this concept for a while, knowing my words effect others yet finding some people’s words to be empty of dignity only to leave me feeling fooled once again for believing in them. I might now have faith that honest words represent pure intentions, which therefore are manifesting into allied behaviors and it may only be lies that breed this lack of satisfaction when counted upon. Have I discounted all words due to the misuse of irresponsible people who are living out their age in denial? As I questioned my stern commitment of letting words simply sound good when in fact I was actually only watching what actions I could see, I heard more from my enlightened friend that's got me digging deeper for answers to such inquires about the path I have been so diligently traveling. 

"Your mind is ready for the real good stuff.....I'm going to share with you some amazing things in good time....I'm reading where science and scripture are working together to teach how much power words have......I've been taught this my whole life....my mom is a life coach and teacher to actors and models......I've been blessed .......you and me....our friendship is about to blow your mind........hope u have a great day....you have one of the best smiles I've ever scene in this world ......thanks for being you...." What a pleasant recognition of all I have been working toward. 

I am able to feel at peace in this now that I am in the place for which I am meant to be. I feel inspired to focus my attention on what is really important to my spiritual growth. I am ready to publish what I am learning, instead of wasting energy doubting if I am being understood. By staying aware of how I am affecting others and keeping faith that through my complete consciousness I have the power to adjust my own responses accordingly, I am being an active participant in creating my desired experience through the good guidance of my high power. 

I affirm: "I Love myself more today then ever before. I know now, with complete certainty and faith, I am truly worthy of being Loved. That by making it to be present in this very moment, I see how all that has happened before now is meant to be. From here on, whatever comes next is quite a mystery. However, what I am sure of is that I'm ready, willing and able to express what's true for me in each coming moment without shame, fear or insecurity. I find strength in believing that everything happens for a positive purpose if that's the perspective I pick!"

Thank you for allowing me this time with you. I pray that you reading this may in some way aid you to trust that through sharing our sorrow we cut it in half and by sharing our joy it becomes doubled. 1ove.

(*Sobriety: -noun. 1. Seriousness, gravity, or solemnity. 2. Habitually temperate, free of excess. 3. The state or quality of being sane or rational, showing self discipline. 4. Refraining from any indulgence in intoxication or alteration of one’s pure state of natural intended existence.)

The end may be where our story begins

Without thought at least on my end, I am engulfed in feelings of every sense. 

Put in this very place for this time being to say these things that may never be seen nor erased. 

Every time we blink there is something missed, yes we must skip many a more then we are blessed to experience yet much is without consciousness until chosen to acknowledge. Legends believed are created in the present. Second-guessing our instincts empties our chance to seize the art of accepting what we truly are.  

The benefits of reflection are a given unless pre-conceived judgments start to cloud the motives of what one’s gut knows is best. Even here and now I have begun to back tab only to remind myself that is why scripture is proofread before published. 

When I "try" I am leaving room for failure, therefore I must just do. I would love to give the world adventure to be opened at their leisure. 

In claiming one's power of choice, the human mind can find peace as we may choose anything we wish to be. Committing to any decision with action in said direction summons the dream to become one’s visual reality. Everything is always changing. 

Here is the time I shall question the sense of my statements after they are written to disclose only those I am able to stand for as possible fact without defense necessary.

I have so many ideas that rush at once sometimes it clogs and none come forth. 

May I see only the glistening peeks from millions of ripples, as a sweet autumn sun beats down on a body of our making’s majority, and be reminded such spectacular surfaces are to keep our species functioning. The miracle of life might be to be. Simply being is a miracle if believed to be. 

A happy philosopher, peaceful civilian, my heart is warm with this feeling of contentment. How might I see further then I can reach, to really know the tips of these trees hold meaning to more then just me?

Learning is growing- constant evolving. Adjustment is life and here in this phase of mine I have found what I like, what I love, what I’m made of, what I’m here for. 

I have a voice of inspiration, encompassed with Love to share with this world. 

I till peace in my soul similar to that which is the sky holding the clouds as they roll. 

With that, I sprout as I’m shown to branch out in the direction of sun, go on as nothing is wrong whenever rain comes. 

As with misery, fret seems to be the best opportunity for us to know what we no longer want. 

I’m open to close, I’m closed to no open. I’ve broken these bones but no vows shall be spoken on deaf ears or for which I would allow to be forgotten with years.

Forces seeming greater then belief may come in to play and take the body, but as long as your faith holds tight to the positive purpose of everything you may indeed be ever happy no matter what’s happening.

I let the wind dictate my breathing if that means I may stay in sync with healing.
In becoming more of an adult I retreat to the safety of staying alert. 
I find benefits run deep through acts of participating in activities which stimulate my intrigue to it's greatest potential, allowing my focus to draw up my life's purpose like a bubbles to the surface.

Be everything that is contrary to deceit. Let no passing moment's patience fall victim to defeat. To be complete means to be unique. 
Your power lays in Loving.
Stalled for the time being I remind myself, stop thinking so much, just let out what is true for you and those who agree will align with divinity.
So as for you and me... The end may be where our story begins ? 
The end.