Here I am.
Taking my hands away is up to me-
Keeping my focus straight is tough to see-
Holding myself at bay is worth the fee-
Going my own new way is hard to keep-
I am here.
Yet I know as I grow, the more that I go straight and narrow staying clean- sharp as an arrow I'll be...
You say, "Take it easy on yourself, it is normal to have bouts.."
I pray..
It is alright to acknowledge doubts.
Then just as they come I know now I must let them all go- flow out of my of my soul to make room for God's Loving will to take the wheel and do for my life when mine never might no matter how much I feel I can master this deal.
They say, "You can turn your life around, open your mind and astound your senses as you feel what's out of your reach utill you heal.. For now just be patient, listen as we teach, commit and just read."
I cry, bock and rebell. I'm a victim placing blame, denying my insanity still so I'm living in hell.
As soon as I have it , I want it again-
As soon as I taste it, put more to my lips-
As soon as I get it, I crave one more hit-
As long as I'm on it, be stuck in this ditch-
Freak out, then reel, let go, just feel, breathe deep, sit still, release the need to nill this peace that frees even the sickest to heal.. Now, please begin to give in to the ideals of so many men and woman who have proven time and again that this disease is for real, yet if we endure the simple steps then there is such a cure that will lift this obsess.
When my fears take over all I hear and know as true is lowered, at stake, as I sink into blue, I'm scared to say how much I'm ashamed so I try to save face- hide how I became a slave to what I think I must do which then drives me to isolate as I use. I'm so confused.
Upset that I've come this far away from who I am naturally, born to be; without even having a clue or thinking there was this change I could make to live free of the bed that I made. How could I possibly admit that I've had the key all along- unless I realized it is a self imposed lock that holds me at bay? I've been literally deathly afraid of a sea so forgivingly who diligently keeps calling my name, begging for me to RSVP and embrace the bravery we each have down deep inside to forge the journey that is apparently the purpose for this physical being I call my body and brain.
Who will accept me like this? I feel naked when stripted, wanting to hide where I've been so I shy from my friends and now I feel all alone all over again.. Help me let you in.
How do I get support or find Love, when I feel unworthy of all of the above.
I can really never remember a day without need, or have any idea how to define serenity- or could
imagine you know what I mean. Someone will have to explain what's this thing called community?
Tired of hiding, ready to understand dignity... Completely worn out by lying, wanting to comprehend
integrity..
So finally you see, I'm subsiding who I used to be- abandoning my ego, relinquishing control.
Give me a place to forgive myself, please? Let me create a space I can be proud of without having to judge what the world might be thinking about what I've done- all this dirt that I've dug-
I'm asking to receive a safe haven where my laundry can be hung to then be seen somehow as hope to someone who going at it my same..
Please just keep reminding me: All that is real is this moment right now! Here, today, is all that I get, this time; this is it!
Please just keep guiding me: All that counts is the actions I take, the moves that I make, the things that we do are what make me me or shapes you as you!
The past is a wrap.
What's passed has already lapsed. I pray for forgiveness. I am grateful I know how to shift my perception to find acceptance of all that's presented and for that I am full of appreciation.
Reflection gives me a grateful heart, yes, that I no longer need to let my addiction lead me but rather simply let it be a piece of my history that leads me to see the great divinity I am, aligned with heaven on Earth if I choose today to be clean and sober, honest and true.
In this instance, through the power of consciousness, I decide to embrace the importance of keeping my foot on the gas, heading in a prosperous direction- away from the ways that I've used which put breaks on my truths, kept my growth stunted and my conscience feeling abused..
It's alright that I have scars. It's okay if I'm beginning to really enjoy the new cast I've picked to be on the stage in my life's play- sincere, with no deception- there's only time left to be honest.
I know, the choices I make now, the moves I do today, create the road in traveling on, how it will be paved and without doubt my faith is guiding the way to the future I please.
One step at a time, day by tolerant day, trusting my feet allows me to see the light brighter with each instant I choose to do right by my instincts- stay patient enough to pause when it's better to breathe then act out of insanity.
Now what though?
My habits are breaking, the world I've called home for so long is taking a beating, closest relationships are shaking, some even fleeting witnessing the previous me breaking at the seams...
As I change my mind, I change my life- breaking through a self serving childish cocoon to spread my matured wings and take flight as soon as others try to sew me back up with lies.
All I know is I'm here, I've made it this far, so I will hold on tight with all that I've got- fragile as I am I get to choose where I land!
I believe I can and I succeed when I believe in who I am- no matter how crazy I must sometimes look when flipping through the pages I've burned in my book.
I can trust in a program that teaches me I can find who I am at anytime- even with all the credits I've earned on the dark side of life, the principles of my peers here make sure their doors stay open with welcoming arms, understanding hearts and a helping hand at all hours, now or then, regardless how far I've gone or where I've been..
As long as I am showing up right now then it's sure I am growing up somehow.
Furthermore, I pray that my share here of my story, some of my personal experience, exposing glorious triumphs and hideous hang ups, might with God willing be of some service to those still suffering-
That by hearing I'm here with you, been there, seen that too, turned my back on the truth, lived selfish, lied, denied, acted indescribably cruel, did ugly things I wish I could undo, filled up my days up with shame and then was able to somehow get through by the help of anonymous fellows I found in AA- I'm hoping it will inspire some kind of relief from the tiring grief you might still be burdening- and possibly shine for you a new way to see that you are anything but alone or the only one who knows this feeling of being done, simply wishing you were gone..
For we- you and me- are but one in the same once we each take responsibility to vulnerably identify ourselves as addicts recovering by the gracious act of absolutely surrendering.
(Be Love, be Loved. I Love you, you're Loved.)
