I cry sometimes... and I hide that I have died

Told me once, you love me twice as much as anyone has in my whole life...

Now look at us, I'm your wife and all we do is fight.
Like, where you been? Who is this? Why have the bills skyrocketed? Without a kiss I hear the door get locked again and I miss the way we started this-
Used to be thin, now I'm pissed so I eat everything in the whole damn kitchen fridge...
We barely talk about a thing except the kids and how they got to be so big before we could teach them everything we wish we did.

The sky's rain is only a fraction of the pain swelling inside my brain, so big I can no longer constrain, maintain, restrain the lake of tears I need to drain from all the fear retained for all these years. As I sit here, I pray some day this sadness will begin to fade, disapear and the gates will open up again for us to see the life we want to lead is still within our reach.

Can anyone hear my heart's screams? Am I awake, this feels like a bad dream, mistake, a tragity you see on TV but never really know as your own.. I can barely breath, what has happened to our home? Where are you? Who am I? This isn't me...
All that's left of this union is the ring, please tell the truth, honestly, do you want me to just leave?
Seems like both of us stopped trying, thinking we could take two "I"'s and make a we-
Who are we kidding? Everyone we know can see.

 Instead of spilling all our dirty laundry on the streets, we're always lying about our feelings to keep the peace, but now we're so far down, how can we be anything but beat?

I'm so tired of concealing, acting like we're dealing with the pile under this mat that's been building up since we stopped looking back; ignoring whatever happens as if these masks will hide the trappings of the taxes we've charged our hearts with just to be a part of this thing we call our love that feels more like a job we want to quit, throw in the towel and give up on .

Each reaction bleeds with dissatisfaction before we see the distractions of what society has made us think we have to be to be elite. Who knows where I'm going.. If we started showing where we've been it would take a forest of trees to write in pen the truths we have hidden.

It sounds jarring but if you were sorry then you'd start doing things different.
I'm quitting the deceit, tell the children we're done, over, it's time to file for the D.

This is our D-date, so please take the time to awknowledge the damage that we make with all our arguing and admit there's nothing left for us to break, we're just fondling the peices of all our past mistakes.

See me and you were meant to partake in the creating of a crate, box, unit, family and instead through your demanding and my blaming everything on bad timing or thinking I had no rights or time for me, or you just turning out the lights when I would be confronting of how you treated something you said you needed to live happinly ever after like it was nothing... We became a natural disaster. 

Truth be told, to tell the truth, all there's left is resentment of the fact that we ever said I do...

What's the use... It's cheaper to keep her he says, then let this chicken fly the coop..

So we sink in deeper to a position where we stoop to a standard where we live in opposition based on loot.. We hide behind the recognition of what the public views as a power couple, so obliged, what a double life, I'm so tired of this disguise that looks like we have the upper hand when really our life's founded on quick sand. And now you're mad at me cause I let the rest of the players in the game see our hand, strategically you wish that we could placate around the pain to keep up image, looking like we live the dream when in reality we've blurred our vision, exhausted all our resources paddling up stream.

A breach is the only way to free these voice I'm battling inside my brain that I've come to know are my instincts screaming for me to flee the scene... I'm done pretending that marrying you fulfilled my dreams. Seems scary but we've expired so seems I'm ready to retire from this thing we call living. Love has been deseased for as long as I can remember so what does it matter if I too depart from this battle, and climb the latter to a land where joy has no end and pain has no way to begin again...

This is the last you'll hear from me, so stop calling and  please help me let our babies down softly when they ask you what's happening to dad and mommy.

Yours truly, An Angel Lost on Earth

To be known forever more as the one who's dolor had to shut the door on the old life that I chose.. I choose today to go forth making new choices to discover I'm greater then my past, I'm only what's here present in this moment and I declare my future is what I make today.